I hate Adele. I hate her music, her style, the way she phrases her lyrics and her voice. I guess overweight, neo-soul, early 20 something British chicks, whining incessantly about the deep hurt caused by the boatload of “experience” surrounding their past relationships just doesn’t do it for me.
Because I’m hateful and I don’t really have anything else to do, I’m going to break down the half-retarded lyrics of an Adele song I heard on the radio this week called “Rumour Has It.” I mean, the title alone is enough to send me over a cliff…did we win the revolutionary war so that silly British pseudo pop stars can spell their song titles with a British touch???? But I digress. And so, without further ado….
*All lyrics in Italics.
Rumour Has It by Adele
She, she ain’t real
She’s not real?!?!? Is she an alien? A figment of my imagination? That’s probably not what you mean. Fat chicks always want to say that girls who look better than them aren’t “real.” Well, Adele, if you are the definition of a “real” woman, then I’ll take an unreal woman any day of the week.
She ain’t gon’ be able to love you like I will
A lot of my buddies who mess around with larger ladies say they can get down pretty well. But just because someone has low self-esteem and is willing to do anything in bed doesn’t mean that they’re better. I’m certainly not lowering my standards and good for whomever you wrote this song to for regaining his.
And another thing! “She ain’t gon’,” is not a phrase you’re allowed to say, Adele. You’re a British woman from the suburbs of London, not a legit soul singer from Memphis. Get the fuck over yourself and get your own identity, Aretha Franklin, Etta James, Gladys Knight and the like pretty much own the soul genre. Find your own shit.
She is a stranger
You and I have history or don’t you remember?
So, this guy was willing to leave you for a complete stranger? Sounds like you’re tons of fun (pun intended) to be around. I’ve dated some real crappy ladies, and even then I’ve never left one of them for a complete stranger.
Sure, she’s got it all. But Baby is that what you really want?
This has to be one of the dumbest lyrics I’ve ever seen in my life. Logically, it is simply retarded. If she has it all, defined by Webster’s as “the whole of, every, or the greatest possible,” then by definition, then what else could the guy possibly want??? Maybe your man left you because you’re stupid. Did you ever think about that?
Bless your soul, you got your head in the clouds
After surviving dating you, I’d say the guy has his head much further than the clouds; he probably has his head in heaven… a wonderful place free of spiteful ex-girlfriends who sing half-cocked, poorly written pop songs about their former boyfriends.
She made a fool out of you and, boy, she’s brining you down
Who you calling boy?
She made your heart melt but you’re cold to the core
I don’t know if the melting point of a heart is a woman who has it all, but I’m pretty sure it would take intense heat, not a perfect lady. Plus, I would be willing to bet that if my heart was so hot that it melted that the rest of me would be at a pretty high temperature as well. This just makes no sense.
Now rumour has it, she ain’t got your love anymore
So this absolutely perfect, complete stranger who just melted the guy’s heart doesn’t have his love anymore? Well that’s ok Adele, because I can guess that you never will either and no amount of shitty music will change that fact.
Rumor has it x 794,000 times
This chorus never seems to end.
She is half your age. But I’m guessing that’s the reason that you’ve stayed
First of all, that’s a pretty terrible guess, as you’ve already stated that she has it all. But even so, who cares if she’s half my age, so long as he’s 36 and half his age is legal, because you know, it’d be creepy and illegal otherwise.
I heard you been missing me
Not likely. I bet his grocery bill has been cut in half.
You’ve been telling people things you shouldn’t be.
Metallica told people about things that shouldn’t be and they are the most successful heavy metal band ever. God forbid the guy tries to follow in those footsteps instead of being known for inspiring the music on your awful album.
Like when we creep out, she ain’t around
I’m from Atlanta and know a lot of slang, but I have no idea what Adele is talking about here.
Haven’t you heard the rumours?
Nah, “English Rose” was always my favorite Fleetwood Mac album.
Bless your soul, you got your head in the clouds
You made a fool out of me and, boy, I’m bringing you down
Have you listened to your drama filled, diahrea inducing music? Have you ever looked in a mirror? Have you ever heard yourself talk, with that shrill, awful British accent? I don’t think he’s the one making a fool out of you.
You made my heart melt, yet I’m cold to the core
Damn it Adele, we’ve already talked about this.
But rumour has it I’m the one you’re leaving her for
So, after you shit all over this guy, criticize his choice of lover and write a ton of music about him, you listen to some rumor saying he’s going to go back to you?
Rumor has it x 1,654,123 times
I mean really. I hate this chorus so much. Its not even catchy, just long, repetitive and enraging.
All of these words whispered in my ear
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear
I would imagine you don’t like hearing the truth about yourself very much.
Just cause I said it, don’t mean that I meant it
Just cause you heard it
So, you’re a liar on top of everything else? That figures. I don’t know about all of you, but when someone tells me something, I pretty much take them for their word. At least we cleared this up.
Rumour has it x infinity times
I don’t know how long this song is, but it feels like nine hours.
But rumour has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for
Way to end the song with a lyric that makes no sense. You’re not even together! How can you leave him if he’s not even with you? You can’t make the illogical jump from hearing a rumor that he’s going to leave his perfect woman to get back together with you, to saying you’re going to leave him for another man. I guess in your cellulite infused brain it all makes sense.